5

Comments

Typically, holidays are about tradition, family and memories. Children anticipate the season with excitement and joy. This expectation of family togetherness and happiness often makes it difficult for divorced or separated families to cope with the upcoming holiday season. Many traditions are shattered, family ties estranged and memories distorted when a marriage ends. Holidays that children once looked forward to can become days of anxiety, tension and dread as parents attempt to negotiate time spent at two households.

Recent estimates tell us that one million children go through the experience of a family breakup each year. Just under one half of all marriages will end in divorce. And about 40 per cent of all American children will spend some time in a single parent family before they reach the age of eighteen. Growing up in a divorced home is not a rare occurrence, but rather a norm for today’s society.

Pulling Children Apart

As prevalent as divorce may become, in the eyes of a child (and for the adults going through the divorce) it is a life altering experience. For children, the biggest alteration is the loss of full-time parenting. Divorce means that for the rest of their lives, children will be shared between parents. Vacations, birthdays, holidays and even weekends become discussions of where and with whom children will spend their time.

The growing awareness of how painful and devastating the effect of divorce can be leads parents to ask “How can we ease the stress of shared holiday gatherings for our children?”

The following advice may aid in arranging your holiday schedule

Acknowledge Your Children’s Sense of Loss

Although these are labeled times of joy, you or your child may not feel so joyful. Give yourself permission to mourn what was, acknowledge yours and your child’s loss by encouraging the communication of feelings. With younger children it may help to interpret these feelings as it will be difficult for younger children to understand and identify feelings of anger, sadness or loneliness. Helping children at an early age to express and deal with feelings will enable them to enjoy healthy and mature relationships in the future. For older children and teens, encourage the expression of their emotions through artwork, writing, music, positive peer support groups and of course, talking with you.

Create New Traditions

Although this can be a highly volatile emotional time, balance the emotionality with reason to embrace what is today. If your child reminisces about a previous holiday of family togetherness or a time spent with the other parent, be positive and encouraging. Although familiar traditions may be altered, the whole holiday season is not a bust. Re-frame the upcoming months as an opportunity to create new traditions and memories, while still honoring the values your family holds significant to the season. For example, you may not be doing the traditional opening of Christmas presents on Christmas Eve, but trying something new like ice skating with dad Christmas eve and opening presents with mom Christmas morning.

Remember That a Child Cannot Be Divided

Some parents may be tempted to divide the day between two households, in theory allowing each parent to participate fully in the holiday. A word of caution to this scenario, spending half the day with mom, the other half with Dad can be draining for your child. In addition to being demoralizing, this may suggest a child is a “thing” that is shared between two parents, rather than a child who deserves his or her own holiday. Recognize that holidays are not just singular days, but seasons unto themselves. For children, Christmas starts the first day Santa and decor are present in the malls and for Passover the household preparations begin many days beforehand. These seasons are windows of opportunity to celebrate, create traditions and make memories.

Communication Matters

Also, trying out a new schedule should be well thought out. Plan well in advance; don’t wait until the week of Christmas to talk with the other parent, do it now! Failing to make advance arrangements leads to undue stress for parents and the child. Older children and teens may be consulted as to their wishes, but ultimately the final decision must belong to the parents. For younger children, describe the schedule so that he/she has time to prepare mentally for the transfers from one home to another.

Equally, all the advance planning cannot prevent the sometimes inflexible factors such as the distance between the parent’s homes, parental work conflicts, financial considerations and specific family situations. Both parents should be prepared to change plans in certain urgent situations. Maintaining an attitude of flexibility helps aid in the event of last minute conflicts. Allocating holiday time between two households may mean one parent will be alone for the holiday. If you are the parent who will be alone for the holiday, don’t make your child feel guilty or sorry for you. Acknowledge to your child that you will miss him or her, but that you have plans for yourself (and truthfully you do!) and you will be okay. This allows your child to enjoy the holiday without worrying about your sacrifice or loneliness.

Finally, children pick up their ideas about holidays from their parents and family, so be sure your sending the right message. Don’t dwell on what is wrong or missing from the holiday, but rather that your child receives the message “I love you! Being with you is reason to celebrate this or any other day!”

Photo by: Scott Feldstein