A new year brings lots of sparkling promises made to yourself, like losing weight, managing finances, and forgiving others. The beauty of these promises is how honest they are. A resolution is proof of our ability to look at our lives and see what needs improvement. However, we’re often afraid to go beyond the surface. We see the manifestation of an inner pathology and go about fixing the manifestation instead of addressing the pathology.

On the surface, we’re in debt because we spend too much. Conventional wisdom says to stop spending money. That may seem easy enough, but if you don’t realize what’s driving you to overspend (a need to fit in, a feeling of entitlement, etc.), you’ll eventually fall back into your old ways. Here are 7 common reasons why we’re not the women we want to be, along with advice for how to change our lives for the long haul.

1. The Need to Please

It’s not polite to say no. That’s driven deep into the psyche of most women. Beyond that, women have an intense desire to be helpful and contribute to the lives of others. Perhaps it’s our natural, nurturing instinct–in any case, it complements our society well. Gandhi once said, “Man can never be a woman’s equal in the spirit of selfless service with which nature has endowed her.” Our capacity to give is one of the reasons why humanity has managed to continue. That said, we must give consciously and with honorable intentions. Oftentimes, we only give in hopes that others will like us and validate us.

Instead of saying yes to everyone, start saying yes to yourself. Make sure you do one thing each day to please yourself. For some, that will mean spending time watching your favorite TV show, reading a great blog, or eating your favorite dinner. The more you start finding time for yourself, the more you edit unnecessary tasks out of your life.

2. Accepting Others’ Labels

Are you small-town, backstabbing, promiscuous, bratty, unsure, or goody-goody? Assuming you’re a real person and not a cast member of a reality show, you’re a mixture of all of these things, but you hold no exclusive rights to any of these labels. Don’t allow others to make you into a two-dimensional version of yourself. Although you can’t change how people choose to see you, you can reject those images for yourself and build new, positive ones.

3. Unrealistic Expectations

Losing weight is hard work. Finding forgiveness is hard work. Paying back debt is definitely hard work. None of these things happened with one declaration; they happened over time. And so will the process of making things right. Give yourself realistic deadlines for accomplishing your goals, and don’t be dismayed if you fail to meet them. The right response to a fall is to get up again.

4. Negative Expectations

I’m guilty of being pessimistic, but that can put me in the same box as being unrealistic, because I don’t see things as they are and as they can be. It’s hard work to look forward to the best, but it must be done to get what we want. You can’t look at something negatively and receive a positive result.

5. An Unbalanced Life

There’s Professional Barbie and Homemaker Barbie, but there isn’t one that does both duties. Today’s women are severely unbalanced because we are pulled in so many different directions. As a proponent of lists, I suggest all women make a list of priorities, chart what’s important, and erase what’s not.

6. You’re Uncomfortable with Your Success

If you are surrounded by an embarrassment of riches and friends who struggle through life, you may have a tendency to apologize. Instead of walking comfortably in your own height with your shoulders back, you slouch over to fit in with others. Although it’s important to be humble in success, you don’t need to apologize to anyone for it. This inferiority can manifest itself when you give more than is required, like paying for everyone’s meal during an evening out with friends. Instead of looking at your success as a difference between you and your friends, start thinking of it as a bridge to help and influence others.

7. You Don’t Know Who You Want to Be

This is the hardest reason, but it offers the most elegant results. When you discover who you want to be, nothing can suppress you. So many of us mimic heroes in our lives, but the danger is that those people are not us. Everyone is unique and necessary. You are unique and necessary. Begin to listen to the inner whispers of who you are, and what you want to do. Before you know it, you’ll be the woman you’ve always wanted to be–no New Year’s resolutions necessary.

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