Five years ago, I got engaged. I had been dating Rob, a successful doctor in the Northeast district, for a while. He still lived with his parents in a tiny two-level Victorian. That didn’t faze me. I was used to dating quirky guys. Oddities such as that are what made these relationships unique and interesting. I’d learned early on not to judge a book by its cover and that deep down beneath the flesh exterior, every person possessed two endearing qualities—kindness and the ability to love conditionally.

We married a year and a half later with good intentions of starting a family in the suburbs. Every girl’s dream, right? Unfortunately, what I didn’t realize is that Rob was an abuser. I got out of the marriage just in time.

Many abusers have commonalities; little things that don’t always stick out until it’s too late. If any of these seem familiar, get out and get help.

1. Two Faces

It’s not always easy to decipher the traits of an abuser, because he has two faces he shows the world. Most of the time, he appears to be a model citizen. He is kind to everyone he meets, he showers you with gifts, and he proudly engages in public displays of affection. But he can snap at a moment’s notice. The slightest things can set him off.

2. Control

Abusive men share a common trait—they must have control. This means that you must do as he says, when he says it to make him happy and make him feel like the dominant one in the relationship. Abusers resort to both emotional and physical control, and they will use force to control your actions.

3. Singleness

You weren’t the first to experience his wrath. He was single for a reason. Chances are, he’s done the same things to other women. Abusers are often single for long periods of time. They often become very clingy when they finally meet someone.

4. Threats

They’ll schedule dates to suit their own time and needs, and they’ll give you reprimands with an “or else” clause. For example, he might say something like, “If you tell anyone that I treat you like this, I’ll divorce you.”

If a man ever says anything like this to you, run in the other direction. Statements like this only escalate with an abuser. He will start with verbal reprimands, and if you disobey, he will try to scare you by pounding his fist into the wall or throwing something. In an effort to scare you into submission, he will call you anything to make himself feel elevated. He may even accuse you of cheating.

5. An Iron Grip

An abuser doesn’t want to lose you and will try to keep you submissive at any cost. Experts recommend using an excuse to get away, like saying you have a business meeting out of town. If you do this, make sure to pack your bags and never come back. And have someone who will take you in until you get back on your feet.

Two helpful sites for more information and safeguards are: Helpguide.org and womenslaw.org

In any relationship, think of yourself first. You are number one — don’t ever forget that.

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